Birthday Week

This is the last full week I will be 36.

Birthdays have become harder and harder for me; since turning 35.

I am currently sitting at my desk working on a Safety Protocol for a clinic with whom my father does business.  It's kind of like Chinese, but I enjoy the challenge.  

I am listening to my John Prine Pandora station.  James Taylor's "Sweet Baby Jane" just came on.  I smiled because I remember being 16.  20 years ago my mom and dad purchased a stereo for me.  I was thrilled because it had the LATEST and GREATEST technology....a CD player.

The first two CDs I purchased were Phantom of the Opera and James Taylor.

Every night I would switch between the two as I sprawled out on the floor to do my homework.

It feels like yesterday.

Living in the Why?

I am feeling a little punchy this morning.

I was wide awake at 5.30 am.  Summer vacation hours were apparently not enforced this morning.  I literally stayed in bed and let my mind roam to some pretty dark places for about two hours.  I got up, walked around and wondered out loud, "What can I do?"  I gave up and climbed back into my snuggly bed with my snuggly dog for another torturous hour.  

In fairness...I received some rather unsavory news yesterday.  My air conditioning unit needs to be euthanized.  It's just time.  Apparently the coil needs to go down with it.  Good news is the furnace is still alive and kicking.  I think I was restless with anticipation of their arrival and the imminent financing that would come with this purchase...though I am blessed to be able to set that worry off for a while...it is still a worry.  In addition to that, I am pretty sure my Gracie cat, my first official child, is facing her last days.  And on top of that, my little Mary Gertrude woke up throwing up blood.  Oh...and then there is the gnat infestation that red wine vinegar and honey only moderately mitigate.  

In terms of mindful, celebratory, positive living....I FAILED EPICALLY THIS MORNING.  Three hours wasted on why Burger broke up with Carrie on a Post It Note...(that is another post for another day)...three hours wasted on ONE WORD..."WHY?"  And I applied that word to about one thousand, million, katrillion kajillion different scenarios in my life.  "Why, why, why, why, but...ugh, WHY?"  Oh...and then it got better.  I added a word.  I added, "Not."  "WHY NOT?"  "Why the hell not?"  No wonder my little eyes wouldn't shut.  

(Side note....right now Cat Steven's is telling me, "Oh baby, baby it's a wild world and it's hard to get by just upon a smile....and I'll always remember you like a child, girl."  The synchronicity is not lost on me.)

Are you ready...I then transitioned into "How can I?" Then came, "How am I ever going to blah, blah, blah?"  Then I circled back to Post It Notes.

And then this arrived in my Face book Inbox from a friend I have not seen, nor heard from, in years.  To Fred Solis...you will never know that you got me out of my own head this morning and forced me down memory lane.

This video was made by Jason Russell my junior year...apparently towards the end of the year.  While I only have a "cameo" appearance...walking down the halls of McAllen Memorial High School, standing at my locker, seeing Lisa at the Apple in the journalism room (our safe place) with posters of Morissey and Jane's Addition (Geeves...YOU RULED), Ramsey and her bandanna, the after school smoking ritual (notice I am missing), and Denellie give a kiss to the camera.  And there I am...immortalized (okay...dramatic embellishment) SINGING of all things (I do not sing in public EVER) on the Internet.  

I looked at that little girl with the wavy hair, excessive jewelry, painted fingernails and Yaga tee shirt.  How sweet is she?  She's a bit of a camera hog and likes to be the center of attention...but her heart is good.  Most importantly...her heart is whole.  The world is ahead of her...NOT behind her.  She knows what is next and what is next and what is next and what follows after that.  She does not live in "Why" or "How" or "Why Not?"  She lived in "Yes" and "Let's do it and have fun" and "Let's get scootin' to college."  She never spent three hours in bed beating herself up over what needs to be done, what hasn't been done, why this has been done or when is it going to get done.  

Sweet girl, I sit here...twenty years your senior.  Can I have you back?  

Lovely woman, all you have to do is ask.  She's still in there, stop being afraid to let her re-surface.  Those were the happiest years of your life.  But they don't have to be the only ones.  When the questions get too big, watch this video and remember the joy of just living!

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

Dexter Freebish

The name of the band was Dexter Freebish.  Ciara and I thought it was Mingo Fishtrap...but it hit me in the shower this morning.  Let's see what Wikipedia has to say about them....

Well....Wikipedia had a lot to say.  I cut and pasted.  It didn't translate correctly....but I was correct.  They were a band in Austin.  They had a Top 40 Hit (I wouldn't brag too hard about that) called "Leaving Town."  Now...I am going to check out the song on iTunes because I have no real recollection of it.

Deep Eddy Tavern and Tom Waits

Years ago...I mean YEARS ago...probably 1998...Ciara and I were having a few beers at Deep Eddy Tavern.  I remember it was a balmy summer night, the air hung heavy...our hair falling victim to the humid summer thickness and our clothes slightly damp; sticking to us as we peeled ourselves off and on the red vinyl chairs.  

I walked up to the bar to order another beer.  What was I drinking those days?  Miller Light, no doubt.  The bartendress was terribly hip, hip, new hippy, hipster like.  You know....one of the individuals proud to "Keep Austin Weird."  One of the regulars asked her, "Who would you wait in line for two days to watch perform a concert?"

Not a second flew by before she beamed, "Tom Waits."

I ordered my beer and shamefully slid back to the table...where Ciara had been invaded by a group of young men who told us they were in a band.  (I don't recall the name of the band....but they actually turned out to be a one hit wonder.  She and I laughed every time we heard their song on the radio.)

I didn't have time to ask her, "Who is Tom Waits?"  The boys had dominated the conversation.  They wanted to go salsa dancing.  We politely declined; a regret I have always had because one of them was so sweet and gentle and seemed genuinely interested in knowing me....if even just for one salsa dance.  My negative "zero" self image wouldn't allow it.

I never admitted I didn't know who Tom Waits was.  How could I, world traveler, college graduate, music snob not have encountered Tom Waits by 1998?

It would be years before I remembered to find Tom.  

Tonight I heard this song for the first time.  

Now I know why she would wait in line for two days.

I hope you are listening right now....

So, how are you feeling tonight?  Red?  White?  Or gin-soaked? -Jason Stiles

My new vintage bracelet!  Thanks, Mom!

Things are coming along nicely.  A corner has been turned.  I am going to be okay! 

Always Room For One More

Look who had a baby shower today? Dinah, Lisa, Lavern and I hosted a baby shower for Holly and "Baby Girl Wright" at Kate's Frosting this afternoon. We had such a lovely afternoon...and the cupcakes were delicious! If you are looking for a sweet place to host a small event, I highly recommend this venue!
When I was a little girl I had a book called Always Room for one More. I seem to remember I received it as a gift. My guess is that it either came from my Aunt Sylvia or my Uncle Butch and his wife; though I can't be sure. They are both very bookish and I received many books from them as a little girl. (I am the kind of adult that gives books, too. I am sure my various "nieces and nephews" just LOVE that!)

As a child this book held absolutely no appeal for me. It was dark and grey. The words were bizarre and as an immature reader I couldn't understand why some words rhymed and others didn't. Despite my visual and auditory disdain for the book, the message seemed to stick. The intent the author attempted to portray was not lost on me and would resonate for years to come.

In short, a poor farmer, his wife and TEN children open up their home (and dining table) to the various and colorful townspeople who needed a roof and a hot meal. They invited so many people in that the house literally bursts and the community comes together to build a bigger, better house to fit everyone that could possibly need a home and some love.

I don't remember the last time I read the book. I must have been 8 or 9....so over 20-25 years. The thing is....in all those years I never forgot the book. Not only could I recall the message; I could picture the front cover and vaguely remembered a song on the last two pages. Throughout the years I have always associated the message (and front cover) of the book with my Aunt Velma. A beautiful soul; she truly embodies the spirit and sentiment of the book. Every time I marvel at her gracious hospitality I hear the words "There is always room for one more," resounding in my mind. Then I pitifully think, "Oh, were that I had such a gracious heart."
The other day I had an opportunity to share the message of this book with a very dear friend (you know who you are). I have had the honor and privilege of learning that I have a friend with the same gracious heart. I have known her for a number of years; but only recently have I had the opportunity to see her with her family. Indeed, in her heart and in her home and in her family...there is always room for one more!

That was JUST the inspiration I needed to see if this book was still in print. I hopped on Amazon and there was the grey front cover. I immediately ordered several copies. They arrived last night and I carved out some special time to read the book again...as an adult.

The reason I couldn't understand the book as a child is because it is a Scottish folk song. The author explains "....ALWAYS ROOM FOR ONE MORE is one of the many Scottish popular songs which have been preserved by oral tradition, being handed down by one generation to the next, but never appearing in print. My father sang it to us when we were children. He had been taught it by his father when he was a little boy, and my grandfather remembered it from his own early childhood. Because the Scottish words in which this merry little tune was written are somewhat difficult to understand, it was necessary to change many of them into others more familiar to American boys and girls. However, some of the Scottish words were left in the song because they sounded better than any new ones I might choose...." She goes on to provide a glossary of the Scottish dialect words with definition. I don't remember that part of the book. Had I bothered to learn the glossary at the tender age of 8 or 9 I may have enjoyed the book even more.

The message is clear....on this earth....there truly is enough room for each of us and we should honor each other by opening up our homes and our hearts to one another. I am, admittedly, the biggest offender of this simple notion. As such, I am pleased this little book has found it's way back into my life as a gentle reminder to be more open and loving.

Lorelai: He's liked you for 10 years?!?!?!

Sookie: Yes!

Lorelai: Wow...that is some serious Great Gatsby pining. You're his Daisy.

"Just remember....there is 'cute' jealous and then there's Othello!" -Rory

"Your life will be happy and peaceful!"

(No kidding....that really was my fortune! Couldn't have been more timely.)

Happy Saturday, friends! This weekend has been so beautiful in so many ways....the weather being the best part! My favorite time of the year has officially been ushered in. I look forward so sun and smiles and pumpkins and yellow chrysanthemums!

Christianity In Contemporary Life

Hang on friends, this one is going to be a long ride.

Shortly before the fall semester of my junior year at Southwestern two deaths occurred that would have a significant impact on my life. My grandfather died days before fall semester began. In fact, he died as I was driving back to Georgetown to get the fall semester underway. I had probably been back in the apartment for a few hours before my father called to deliver the devastating news. I remember heading over the KA house and literally drowning my sorrows. I drank cheap college beer until the sun rose. I caught a few hours of sleep and drove back home.

Another man, I didn't know, and whose name I can't even remember, died around the same time. He was the department coordinator of religious and philosophical studies at Southwestern University. I was enrolled in one of his classes called "Christianity in Contemporary Life" for the upcoming semester...but only because I HAD to take two classes in religion in order to meet the requirements of a "liberal arts" education.

I remember the faculty and staff rushing to fill the position for the year. In fact, I think the first few classes were taught by a "substitute" professor. Finally, it was announced the university had filled the slot with a Greek Orthodox Priest from Bastrop, TX named Brant Pelphrey.

What did I know...I heard the word "priest" and assumed he was Catholic like every other "priest" I knew. However, he was married. To be honest, I was too wrapped up in my own stuff to even ask how he was a married priest. I just showed up to class, I needed the credit. It was plain and simple.

I will never forget the day he walked in the door. He was tall and lanky, slightly knock kneed and denim had exploded on him from head to toe! The only thing breaking up all that denim was a sweet tie that I am certain was in some reverence to Christ.

He did present us with a syllabus; but that was an exercise in futility. The only thing we stuck to was reading Dostoyevsky's Brothers Karamazov and writing a paper about it. One day he met me for coffee in "The Pirate's Cove" because I was having a tough time sorting through the novel. As with any good Russian novel; just getting the names sorted out requires a Ph.D.!

Basically, every M-W-F, for 50 minutes, he would inspire us to notice "Christianity in Contemporary Life." To be entirely frank I wasn't always sure where "he was going." I mean....a 20 year old brain is still developing and his big picture of how Christianity can and DOES exist in contemporary times was a concept too broad for my limited mind to comprehend. What was completely obvious to me was that this was a special person. His presence was soothing and comforting. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time; but I can now see that Dr. Pelphrey was filled with Christ's love and the Holy Spirit seemed to sit right on his chest and shine a light on you that left you with the warmest feeling of acceptance blended with love and forgiveness. He was truly a beautiful man....in the way beauty should really be defined.

Two of his classes, in particular, stand out to me. One day he arrived with a tape recorder. He walked directly to the back of the room without a word. He bowed his head and pressed play. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream Speech" breathed from the small speakers. His head never moved; he remained bowed in reverence to Dr. King allowing God to speak through him. I watched him and I thought, "He is treating this like a prayer." 30 college students sat in stunned silence. We "watched" him "listening." When the speech ended he dismissed our class. Christianity in Contemporary Life....Christ speaking through Dr. King about the basic commandment to love one another as He loves us. I am embarrassed to admit this....that day....I didn't "get it." I walked out silently and thought, "This class is going to be a breeze!"

Perhaps my favorite hour of class at Southwestern University was the day he brought in yet another tape recorder and we listened to Willie Nelson's "Till I Can Gain Control Again." It started....

"Just like the sun over the mountaintop, you know I will always come again. You know I love to spend my morning time like sunlight dancing on your skin."

My first thought was my Grandma Olga who loves to go out into her backyard and pray every morning...something about the sunlight dancing on her skin, I suppose. Anyhow...he allowed the entire song to play....and it is not a short song. Again, the class of teens and twenty somethings sat in silence; what I can imagine was mostly confused silence. Again...how many of us could really know what he was trying to teach us?

After the song ended he softly asserted that most love songs could be interpreted within the context of God's love for man and man's love for Him. He played a few more Willie Nelson songs and Iris deMent songs, as well. But I went home that afternoon and played "Till I Can Gain Control Again" over and over. (I am listening to it right now, as a matter of inspiration!) Here is the chorus:

"Out on the road that lies before me now....there are some turns where I will spin. I only hope that you will hold me now.....till I can gain control again."

I took Dr. Pelphrey's class the spring semester, as well. But for the life of me, I can't remember the title of it. I know I wrote a paper about angels. That's really all I can recall.

During his short time he developed a following of faithful young Christians who all had one thing in common; and that was "Christ was Truth." As he gained popularity administration seemed scared and uncomfortable. It was made VERY evident that his position was only for that one school year and that he would not be asked back. Students gathered in the chapel to pray that his extension be granted. I didn't understand how this kind and gentle man could be persecuted by his contemporaries. I didn't know much as a twenty year old, but I knew that God was real and I didn't "get" that God isn't always necessarily welcome at institutions of higher learning despite their religious affiliations. What I saw was ugly and in a very deep place I knew he was being treated "wrong." I understood the "year long contract" business; but I didn't understand how an entire group of adults (adults my parents trusted with their daughter, her guidance, her education and edification and most importantly, their money) were behaving in such a gross manner.

Given Dr. Pelphrey's complete devotion to Christ you can imagine how he reacted. He stood firm and gracious. He remained silent in the face of his persecutors (does this sound familiar?) because he know The Truth.

He was not asked back. I had heard that afterward he made plans to take his message to China. We were all certain he would die for Christianity. I think we were mostly shocked we actually KNEW someone willing to give his life for Christ. My friend Cory recently told me he had heard Dr. Pelphrey returned safely from China. I have no idea where he is now. I would love to sit down over coffee with him and tell him how after 15 years his message has never left me...and has finally become clear to me.

Over the last 15 years...EVERY time I hear a love song...I spin it into "The Pelphrey Context." Indulge me as I share a few of my favorites with you.....

"When you break down, I'll drive out and find you. When you forget my love, I'll try to remind you. Stay by you, when it don't come easy....when it don't come easy." -Patty Griffin

"And I will always love you. You'll always be mine. Forever and always...till the end of time. Till the mountains split open with the weight of 'the Son;' we'll rise up together; as one." -June Carter Cash

"When the road gets dark and you can no longer see; just let my love throw a spark and have a little faith in me." -John Hiatt

"It took a while to understand, the beauty of just letting go." -Patty Griffin

I could go on forever; but you get the picture. It doesn't have to come from The Hymnal to reflect Christianity in Contemporary Life. With the onslaught of rubbish in our contemporary life, it is nice to be able to find just a little glimmer of Him in the things we enjoy.

As a side note; the following year I was selected to participate in Southwestern's Study Abroad Program in London, England. Part of the application process required two recommendations from faculty members. I asked Dr. Pelphrey to write my recommendation. I have no idea what he wrote. While in London I was sharing a pint with one of the professors on the selection committee....a wonderful man....a math professor. He told me, "I almost didn't recommend you for this program because you asked Dr. Pelphrey to write your letter. I am glad I went with my gut. I am glad you are here in the program." I felt so sad for that man in that moment. He missed the opportunity to know a decent man....