Mandala

This is my mandala.  It was created at a worksop primarily focused on intuition.  Running on emotional "empty" I joined my mom and her friend at Viva Books, anticipating a lecture on nurturing intuition (which at the time I was CLEARLY in desperate need of nurturing).  Instead I participated in cataphatic meditation.  Expecting nothing more than a nice 30 minute nap I was immediately invited into an inner journey like nothing I have experienced before.  At one point...I saw myself....rather...the back side of my naked self.  And I will leave the rest of that particular scenario out of this blog.  Oh!  Don't you wish you knew!  

After meditation we were encouraged to shut our eyes and let our hands move with the media we had before us.  Here is what I created.  And...it must be said...I DO NOT draw.

I recently had my mandala framed.  This strong woman sits next to my bed.  She is currently reminding me that one second I might know exactly what I want and refuse to apologize for it, while the next moment I might drop my head, toss up my arms and say, "I just don't know."  And she represents for me...the notion that those two particular polarities are OKAY!

It was magical.  

The word "mandala" is from the classical Indian language of Sanskrit. Loosely translated to mean "circle," a mandala is far more than a simple shape. It represents wholeness, and can be seen as a model for the organizational structure of life itself--a cosmic diagram that reminds us of our relation to the infinite, the world that extends both beyond and within our bodies and minds.

Describing both material and non-material realities, the mandala appears in all aspects of life: the celestial circles we call earth, sun, and moon, as well as conceptual circles of friends, family, and community.

Representing the universe itself, a mandala is both the microcosm and the macrocosm, and we are all part of its intricate design. The mandala is more than an image seen with our eyes; it is an actual moment in time. It can be can be used as a vehicle to explore art, science, religion and life itself. The mandala contains an encyclopedia of the finite and a road map to infinity.

Carl Jung said that a mandala symbolizes "a safe refuge of inner reconciliation and wholeness." It is "a synthesis of distinctive elements in a unified scheme representing the basic nature of existence." Jung used the mandala for his own personal growth and wrote about his experiences.

It is said by Tibetan Buddhists that a mandala consists of five "excellencies":

The teacher • The message • The audience • The site • The time

An audience or "viewer" is necessary to create a mandala. Where there is no you, there is no mandala. (from: You Are the Eyes of the World, by Longchenpa, translated by Lipman and Peterson).

Source

And she takes just like a woman,

And she aches just like a woman,

And she wakes just like a woman,

Yeah, but she breaks just like a little girl.

-Bob Dylan

What Would Your Jacket Cover Say

It's no secret....I LOVE BOOKS!  It is also no secret that I desperately wish to write a book...at some point.   Truth be told (oh goodness...I am cringing) I actually wrote a book in the 8th grade.  There we go....the secret is out!  I spent the better part of 6 months NOT paying attention in class (sorry Mom and Dad) and ferociously penning what I thought would be the next great, adolescent, angst-ridden, terribly dramatic, slightly inappropriate novel.  Of course....I was the troubled heroine sitting at the apex of a wicked love triangle....I was the object of the affection of two "men."  (You know this is fiction because nothing so glorious has ever happened in real life!)  Anyhow...I digress.

One of my favorite "parts" of the books that live in my house is the "jacket cover biography."  In four or five short lines I feel I "know" the author simply because how and where they live and work is revealed to me.  And EVERY TIME, WITHOUT FAIL, I experience the tiniest pang of jealousy.

I've been thinking about this for a few weeks.  What would my jacket cover....IDEALLY say?  What life, what location, what circumstance do I think would be the "perfect" blend and combination to inspire daily writing?

Warning: The following are grossly out of proportion with reality; but are fun to consider and go swimming in the "what if" pool of ultimate fantasy....

Patricia Vela received her Ph.D. in both the classics and English literature from Oxford University.  She is currently the chair of the English department at the University of Texas.  In addition to writing several novellas, memoirs, books of fiction and a Tony award winning play, she is a regular contributor to Vanity Fair, Harper's Magazine, Texas Monthly and The New Yorker.  She lives on a working farm between San Antonio and Austin where she tends to her lavender, chickens, goats, two large dogs and any cat that comes to her door!  When she isn't at home she can be found in her Airstream visiting the Texas coastline.

Wow....I just smiled and laughed out loud...talk about a fantastic life!  I can't top that one with anything else.  I am not even going to try.  I know I promised "several examples" but that one just summed it up!  That would be my ideal jacket cover!

As for the book from 8th grade....I eventually got tired.  I had over 200 wide ruled (no college ruled paper in middle school) handwritten pages stuffed into a blue flimsy binder with no conclusion in sight.  See....I have ALWAYS been long winded!

What would your jacket cover say?  And is it impossible to think that even one fantastical line of your jacket cover is actually within your grasp?

Admissions

For some reason....today this will make me feel better.  Anyhow...people are constantly encouraging me to "be who you really are."  Given that I seem to hear this with a significant amount of frequency...I can only imagine people assume I am being someone else.  Here's the truth.......

1)  I am a people pleaser.  I want to make everyone happy all the time.  So....while I am "being me" I think the confusion lies in the fact that ultimately I want the world to be satisfied...very often at my own expense.

2)  I am forgiving....to a fault.  Here's how I figure it: there is by ONE judge and it isn't me.  God has asked me to forgive.  That doesn't mean I necessarily am commanded to forget.  But....forgiveness does not equal relationship.  Forgiveness means I release you into Christ because He loves each of us equally.

3)  My heart is very, very, very, intensely tender and breaks easily.  This has served me adaptively in a number of ways...and maladaptively in other ways.  

4)  I am a "thinker," "processor," "talker," "analyzer."  That's it...too bad...take it or leave it.  It is what it is.  I do not accept actions until I have sorted them out in my brain and in my heart.  Yes, I can strangle situations to death....but that is how I need to do it.  In as much as I want to respect the way others process situations; I expect the same respect in return.

5)  I don't have secrets.  I will tell you about my life.  I am certainly not perfect and a lot of things have happened in my 35 years.  I am not ashamed.  If my life and my stories can provide explanations, answers and comfort to another human being; then I am willing to share.  (Yes, at the risk of judgment.)  

6)  I am a "perseverate-or" and don't let go of things easily.  This likely drives others to the point of wanting to pull their hair out....but those of you who have stuck with me have certainly earned their place in heaven.

7)  I am a flake.  Really.  I mean...on some levels I am very organized and have excellent follow through. However, I VERY often say "yes" to plans and flake out.  My friends know this.  They know to expect it and love me, anyhow.  Thanks, friends.  Trust me....your patience is not lost on me!  

8)  I suffer terrible dreams...nightly.....I always have.  As far back as I can remember my dreams are vivid and macabre.  This is probably where I work out all the "perseverating" mentioned in #6.

9)  I am a procrastinator.  Sometimes I am top of things; mostly I am not.

10) I am loyal....very loyal.  In a relationship I am a serial monogamist.  Once you have my heart...you have me for good.  I expect the same in return.  Unfortunately this has rarely been the case.  I am currently challenging and revising my notions of fidelity.  No, I am not revising.  I am standing firm and not giving in to the zeitgeist.  I am old school.  You are either on board or you aren't.  If you aren't...there is the door.

11) I am a "Beatles" and not an "Elvis."  And what's more, I am a "George Harrison."  His songs are the  most pleasant to my ear.

12) The things I find most beautiful in other people: humility, honesty, wisdom, compassion, selflessness, grace.

13) The things I find most odious in other people: pompous arrogance, dishonesty, ignorance, self centeredness, judgment.

14) I have been (and might always be) attracted to pretty,  bad boys.  So, I am no longer doing the picking.  If I see a man and I am attracted to him I am immediately walking the other way.  If I like him, there HAS to be something wrong.

15) I love God, I love Jesus.  They love me back, it is clear.  I am certain I disappoint them on a daily, if not hourly basis, but I try.  I am humbled by God's grace and can't believe that salvation is so simple and yet so many people refuse to accept it.  (But this is about who I am...and I can not speak on behalf of others.)

16) I have made some wrong decisions and I do have a few regrets.  There, I said it.  (Or wrote it....same  thing.)

17) I compartamentalize.  I just realized this.  This is a big revelation for me.  I have a difficult time incorporating all the roles I play into one "grown, adult woman."  I would probably be less exhausted if I could just "be."

18) I have been tortured by self-doubt and insecurity for years.  NO MORE!  This is how smart I am, this is what I look like, this is how tall I am, this is what I weigh, this is what I have accomplished, this is what is left to be done.  (Sure, I can make adjustments to some of these things...but right now....who I am is perfectly imperfect and I know that because, in the words of my girl, Loretta Lynn, "God makes no mistakes.")

19) I am, by nature, pessimistic.  The glass is half-empty.  It is a daily struggle; but a daily victory if I can frame things from the opposite perspective.

20) I don't always consider others.  This is not because I don't want to.  As I said in #1 I am intent on the satisfaction of others.  Sometimes my brain is honestly so over-loaded with my over-processing, perseverating, procrastinating, etc....there isn't always space left for everyone.  For that....I apologize.

Dean: I've got a five year plan.

Rory: Five years?  Cool!  I've got about the next two and a half hours planned and then there's just darkness; and possibly some dragons.

This Makes Me Smile Today

In as much as my family photo below is "who I am;" so is my mantle....filled with the love and smiles of dear friends and family that I continue to be blessed with.  

On the day eve of the birth of our Savior I am reminded of the one thing He asks of us...to love one another.  I see His face, His love and His grace every time I pass by my mantle. 

Dear Jesus....Happy Birthday.  My gift to you is to love and honor these people as you have asked me to.  With my most humble love....Your Child (and homegirl)....Patty

I wish for you all a wonderful holiday season with your loved ones and a most prosperous new year.

Blessings and love.....

These are Me....

There's a few people missing (most importantly my dad-he was hunting)...but this is who I am.

Top: Uncle Juan, Mom, Sarah, Tia Velma, Tony Joe

Bottom: Tia Alfie, Tia Irene, Patty, Sissy, John, Gavin, Grandma, Mari and Patti

Behind the Camera: Marisa

I am beyond blessed!