Is It Too Much To Ask?

Hang on a second....let me get the right music in the background for this post.

Yes, yes y'all...another installment of "What She Really Means Is."  

This particular topic hadn't occupied my thoughts recently for a number of reasons.  Having said that, due to some current communication (that I refuse to answer any questions about...and I MEAN it!) this issue has reared it's ugly head again.  Here we go:

PRECIOUS FEW MEN ASK REAL QUESTIONS!

Here's the thing...if you are trying to get to know me...wouldn't it make sense you ask me questions?  And when I say questions I do not mean the following:

How are you?

How is your day?

What are you doing?

What did you do last night?

What are you doing tomorrow?

Do you want to have sex?

You get the point.  While the aforementioned questions are legitimate (and when asked genuinely they are much appreciated) they just don't get you very far in determining whether or not you intend to spend a second longer trying to get to know me.  These are surface questions.  Now....I am a VERY verbose person and I can answer each of these with a paragraph or two...if I really want to.  But the fact that these are the only questions I am being asked day in and day out...I am apt to:

a) answer them with one word

and eventually

b) blow you off altogether.

I want to know things like (God forbid):

Where were you born?

Where were you raised?

Siblings?

Married, Divorced, Single? (This one is critical for obvious reasons.)

Beatles or Elvis?

Beatles or Rolling Stones?

What makes you excited? (In the non-sexual way, calm down!  That comes later..no pun!)

Where do you worship?

Favorite spot in town?

Beach or Lake?

Italian or Mexican?

Run or Swim?

Vanilla or Chocolate?

Do you like the sound of your own voice?

Do you sleep late?

What do you do for a living?

What did you study?

Where did you study?

Again, you get the point.

So in this ritual of "getting to know one another".....boys.....I highly suggest raising the interest level of your questions if your interest level has been raised by a particular young lady.  If not....she thinks you aren't really interested in the unique, tiny traits that make her irresistible.

Jason: I have no interest in spending a second of my time with any other woman but you....and Eartha Kitt.

Lorelai: Well, sure!

"Unseen, Unsought and Uncertain"

I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman.  Every woman I've ever met feels it-something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does.  An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is.  I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time.  Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough.  But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy.  The result is Shame, the universal companion of women.  It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women-whatever that means-life wouldn't be so hard.  Right?  We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts.  Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them?  Why do our days seem so unimportant, not filled with romance and adventure but with duties and demands?  We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us.  We feel unsought-that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside.  And we feel uncertain-uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more.  Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story.  But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together.  The message to the rest of us-whether from a driven culture or a drive church is-try harder.

-John and Stasi Eldredge

www.ransomedheart.com

A dear friend gifted this book to me.  This excerpt is from the very beginning....it grabbed me, immediately, on so many levels.  I kept thinking, "Yes, yep, that's me, wow, uh-huh, Amen, Thank you!"  I am about 60 pages in and hope to share more.

What She Really Means Is.....

Yes, friends....it is time for a new segment.  This segment allows me to tip toe to the brink of impropriety without actually diving into the pool.  Impropriety meaning....talking about my love life.  

I have ALWAYS sworn I would not air out any dirty laundry on this blog, even though Ciara swears I would increase my readership 1 million fold.  I, ever the sucker, have always said that there is no room for being disrespectful or for pointing fingers on this blog.  I have always prided myself on protecting the "innocent", but hell....NONE of them have been innocent.  So....here we go.

(By no means am I perfect.  By every means I could be fodder for several men's blogs....trust me.  I just want to own it up front and make you, the reader, aware that I, the writer, am MOST aware of my limitations....hauntingly so.)

Important note, I won't use names.  But, if we have ever dated...you may want to stay away from these particular segments.  I HIGHLY doubt any of you are keeping up with my life via "the blog" but who the hell knows.  Apparently I have an avid reader in Germany and a few in South America.  Given that, I suppose ANYONE could be a follower.  

I have given this topic an extraordinary amount of thought lately.  It really hit me on Valentine's Day.  I was not, and am currently not, involved with anyone so this Valentine's Day was of very little consequence to me.  In fact my mind was so involved in Silent Auction I hardly realized the MOST over-rated day of the year was upon us.

In fact, the day passed.  The following day I was having lunch with a friend of mine, Rebecca, and she mentioned that ALL the men at work said the exact same thing when she asked what they would be giving their respective partners for Valentine's Day.

Overwhelmingly, they shrugged and said, "Oh, she said she didn't want anything, so I am not getting her anything."  

Rebecca's response, of course, was, "Oh, come on.  You know you should get her a little something, right?"  

"No, she said I didn't need to get her anything." 

God love Rebecca, she tried to make each of them understand; but no one listened.

So, gentlemen, listen up.  Here's what she really means.....

She MIGHT, legitimately, mean that she doesn't really want or need anything at the present moment.  She might also feel that the money could be better spent on the bathroom remodel or on the new patio furniture you are looking forward to spending the spring hanging out on.  

This however, does not and should not, exempt you from making some sort of gesture.  We ladies are suckers for tiny little acts of kindness.  

Allow me to provide an example of what might have melted my heart.  Let's say I had a birthday, fairly recently.  Let's say it was the worst birthday of my life and I didn't get out of bed for 3 days because whatever age (35) I might be turning just wasn't settling well.  Let's say I was "seeing someone."  It was not a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, God forbid.  (Because that would be embarrassing, apparently, for him.) Anyhow, let's say I was trying to take the high road given that we weren't really an item.  Let's say, for the sake of argument, I made it clear that I just wanted a phone call, a text, a Facebook message and dinner with my parents two nights after my actual birthday.  In fact, let's say I officially exempted him from a card, a gift and having to hang out with me the evening of my birthday.  In a hypothetical world, let's say I had plans with my mother and some friends for my birthday.

Let's say he hit every nail right on the head.  Let's say he did do what I asked and didn't do what I didn't ask.  And let's say I didn't have "a pair" enough to say, "No, you WILL pick me up and take me out for a late night martini to celebrate my birthday."  And let's say that not only did he not do anything of his own accord and, in fact, was treated to an extraordinary meal by my parents at a local steak house.

Here's what might have been nice:  some small acknowledgement of his own that I was celebrating my birthday.  I think at that point one, tiny, Hershey kiss might have melted my heart.  Maybe a six pack on my back porch to celebrate the day?  A hand written note?  A hand picked weed flower?  A late night moon bath; holding my hand?  (It's August...there is always a meteor shower.)  Anything would have been wonderful!  Anything....

Don't get me wrong...I really did NOT want this hypothetical man to go out and spend any money on my birthday.  As I mentioned before....let's say this was not an "official" type of relationship.  Let's say there were some things working against us.  The point is; on days like birthdays, Valentine's Day, Christmas, ridiculous non official anniversaries....let her know you are aware and you appreciate her....even if she did ask you not to spend any money on her.

I think we TRY (some of us, at least) to be as LEAST high maintenance as we possibly can.  And it comes from a very genuine place.  We aren't asking for an Hermes Kelly bag or a pair of shoes that could finance a year in college.  Some of us really try to make being "our partners" a remarkably easy experience; because we know there are other areas in the relationship where we make you crazy.  But guys, listen to me, and listen to me well....a SMALL token of appreciation will get you everywhere.  Be creative; be thoughtful; heed the advice of your female friends and co workers, sisters and mothers.

I know we are complex creatures and our behavior makes little, if any, sense at all.  But I know I am 100% right on this one.

Now...some of you are lucky enough to have a gal that will tell you exactly what she wants.  Listen to her, too.  Or there might be hell to pay.

Stay tuned for more segments of "What she really means is...."

(PS.....While I am a professional, this is NOT professional advice.  This is unfortunate, accumulated experience both personal and shared.  So...take it for what it's worth...which is nothing because this website is available for free!)