Thursday, July 28, 2011

Brilliant Juxta"position"

It was suggested that Tuesday's blog was a tad on the "pejorative" side.  Uh...ouch...knife to my heart!  This blog has been buoyed by happy sunshine, unicorns and rainbows, daily celebrations and things of that nature since it's inception.  Yesterday's blog was meant to 85% entertain, 10% inform and 5% get an "amen" from my girls...(which by the totally did).  My readership of five all agreed it was quite funny and "true"...with the exception of my one who said it was pejorative.  It bothered me all night long.  (Of course it did...I am a "pleaser" and I never want anyone to be disappointed in me.)'s the real deal, the "skinny" if you will....

This blog entry was not about one particular person, per se.  Although, I will grant you,  it does read that way.  Sometimes....(eek...gasp...) I embellish for dramatic purposes.  There...I said it! stories are not made up (a la A Million Little Pieces).  Should Oprah "discover" me she won't find years later that I fabricated these stories.  They are all real, real-lived, real-pathetic!  

Indeed a conversation with a girlfriend or an actual event might spark an idea. any good social researcher (I just gave myself that title and coordinating tiara) I report my "results" (real life poop situations) to the general public.  In my "professional" experience my "results" have shown (through a series of controlled experiments with "blind" subjects over a number of years) that most boys don't ask interesting personal questions.  And c'mon....asking the real questions is a blast!  I don't understand why they want to miss out on the fun?

As I drove home last iconic image kept coming to mind as I considered what I had written and how it was interpreted.  Here it is....interpret it as you will.  I know what my interpretation is and I will never tell...lest the wrath of Gloria befall me!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Is It Too Much To Ask?

Hang on a second....let me get the right music in the background for this post.

Yes, yes y'all...another installment of "What She Really Means Is."  

This particular topic hadn't occupied my thoughts recently for a number of reasons.  Having said that, due to some current communication (that I refuse to answer any questions about...and I MEAN it!) this issue has reared it's ugly head again.  Here we go:


Here's the thing...if you are trying to get to know me...wouldn't it make sense you ask me questions?  And when I say questions I do not mean the following:
How are you?
How is your day?
What are you doing?
What did you do last night?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Do you want to have sex?

You get the point.  While the aforementioned questions are legitimate (and when asked genuinely they are much appreciated) they just don't get you very far in determining whether or not you intend to spend a second longer trying to get to know me.  These are surface questions.  Now....I am a VERY verbose person and I can answer each of these with a paragraph or two...if I really want to.  But the fact that these are the only questions I am being asked day in and day out...I am apt to:
a) answer them with one word
and eventually
b) blow you off altogether.

I want to know things like (God forbid):
Where were you born?
Where were you raised?
Married, Divorced, Single? (This one is critical for obvious reasons.)
Beatles or Elvis?
Beatles or Rolling Stones?
What makes you excited? (In the non-sexual way, calm down!  That comes pun!)
Where do you worship?
Favorite spot in town?
Beach or Lake?
Italian or Mexican?
Run or Swim?
Vanilla or Chocolate?
Do you like the sound of your own voice?
Do you sleep late?
What do you do for a living?
What did you study?
Where did you study?

Again, you get the point.

So in this ritual of "getting to know one another".....boys.....I highly suggest raising the interest level of your questions if your interest level has been raised by a particular young lady.  If not....she thinks you aren't really interested in the unique, tiny traits that make her irresistible.
Jason: I have no interest in spending a second of my time with any other woman but you....and Eartha Kitt.
Lorelai: Well, sure!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

What You do in Your Free Time is your Business?

While visiting Florida I attempted to study for my Accounting class and failed miserably!  I found EVERY excuse on the Internet to NOT study.  Mom walked in and told me I needed to study....flashback....and told me to stop wasting time on the Internet.  (I was busy pinning and pinning and pinning and checking out what Tracy Brattin Gerdes was pinning and pinning and pinning.)  Anyhow....I said something like, "Isn't what you waste your time doing what maybe you should be doing in real life?"  I mean...I don't necessarily know how to translate pinning and blogging and facebooking into a true profession that rewards with decent revenue (accounting word...Ta-Daaaaaa!) but if there were a Ph.D. in could call me "Doctor!"

Then, as if by divine intervention, I saw this "pinned!"  I couldn't have summed it up better myself.  In fact, I wasn't nearly this succinct...but I had the main idea.
So if there is any truth to this...I should make a profession out of wasting time, reading design magazines, thinking about cooking, baking and designing, reading, blogging, pinning, facebooking.....

Friday, July 22, 2011

Mary Goes to Camp

Mom goes on vacation, Mary Gertrude goes to camp....SA Doggy Boot Camp, to be exact!

Clarke and Lucille Young are my new favorite people!  Not only does Clarke Young train your pet...he and his wife, Lucille will board your dog if they are under 30 lbs!  And guess what...your dog comes back a calmer, gentler version than when they left!  

Mary has been receiving in home training, but Clarke offers classes throughout San Antonio.  His method is simple and calm.  I have seen an enormous change in Mary and am so grateful to Clarke and Lucille for boarding her...twice now!  (Mary loves their dog Mico.  They play and play...they are similar in age.)  

I highly recommend Clarke Young!  Doggy manners are of critical importance.  Mary still needs a lot of work...and thanks to Clarke I have tools in my tool box for modifying behaviors.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Look what Mama scored at Uncommon Objects!  A rockin' bust of a gypsy.  Hot dang!  And the price was Unbelievable-10%=Ridiculous Score for Patty.  Sometimes I amaze myself!  

Friday, July 8, 2011

Not too drunk...Just drunk enough....

Dear Bethenny,

Thank you for sharing your drink with me.  Not only is it delicious and light, I don't have to do a damn thing except open the bottle and pour.  How delightful...considering that your drink makes me want to open bottle after bottle after bottle (but in a safe place where no driving is involved!)  The first evening I had Skinnygirl Margaritas I was (allegedly) overheard repeating, "These are GREAT....thank you Bethenny....because Skinnygirl Margaritas don't make you too drunk, they make you just drunk enough!"  (Enough for what, I am not sure!)

In addition, I would like to thank you for sharing your life with me!  My friends and I all agree...we think we would love to include you among our circle of friends for your sense of style and humor; but most importantly for your unapologetic honesty about yourself and others.  Thanks for letting us into your house, into your life and into your personal therapy.  You give us girls a lot of hope and inspiration.  I think we all feel that if Bethenny can "do it," well damn it, so can we!  

Now, I must run and enjoy my Skinnygirl Margarita for the evening!


"I am not sure he is the Ivy League type, though.  He might need more of a hacky-sacking, poetry reading, tie-dying kind of Reed or Oberlin where the air is sweet with the scent of patchouli."
Yes, my dog gets her own section now.  She is permanent.  We are a "unit" I figured this was the least I could do!  Plus she's just so darn cute I have to post her hip photos....
Happy Friday, friends.....

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

"Unseen, Unsought and Uncertain"

I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman.  Every woman I've ever met feels it-something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does.  An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is.  I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time.  Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough.  But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy.  The result is Shame, the universal companion of women.  It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women-whatever that means-life wouldn't be so hard.  Right?  We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts.  Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them?  Why do our days seem so unimportant, not filled with romance and adventure but with duties and demands?  We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us.  We feel unsought-that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside.  And we feel uncertain-uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more.  Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story.  But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together.  The message to the rest of us-whether from a driven culture or a drive church is-try harder.

-John and Stasi Eldredge

A dear friend gifted this book to me.  This excerpt is from the very grabbed me, immediately, on so many levels.  I kept thinking, "Yes, yep, that's me, wow, uh-huh, Amen, Thank you!"  I am about 60 pages in and hope to share more.

Sunday, July 3, 2011


I once dated a guy who had a thought, repeated it over and over again, wrote it down a few times and would attribute it to himself with a "-Insert Name of Lunatic Here."  It wasn't a terribly profound thought....given his intelligence I felt he produced much more memorable "conversables."  Be that as it may....I thought it was very arrogant, pompous, and asinine to "quote" himself.  Who does that?  Nobody!  Really important people say really great things and SOMEONE ELSE attributes the line to them and then it goes down in history.

However...tonight...I will allow myself this ONE exception because it was so good.

Scene: South Alamo Street
Friend: I told her she needs to stop wearing leggings and oversized shirts.
Me: What she needs to do is stop being a Kardashian and start being a Kardashian!

Brilliant, I know!  Feel free to use it when necessary....but please, remember to attribute it to ME!