Admissions

For some reason....today this will make me feel better.  Anyhow...people are constantly encouraging me to "be who you really are."  Given that I seem to hear this with a significant amount of frequency...I can only imagine people assume I am being someone else.  Here's the truth.......

1)  I am a people pleaser.  I want to make everyone happy all the time.  So....while I am "being me" I think the confusion lies in the fact that ultimately I want the world to be satisfied...very often at my own expense.

2)  I am forgiving....to a fault.  Here's how I figure it: there is by ONE judge and it isn't me.  God has asked me to forgive.  That doesn't mean I necessarily am commanded to forget.  But....forgiveness does not equal relationship.  Forgiveness means I release you into Christ because He loves each of us equally.

3)  My heart is very, very, very, intensely tender and breaks easily.  This has served me adaptively in a number of ways...and maladaptively in other ways.  

4)  I am a "thinker," "processor," "talker," "analyzer."  That's it...too bad...take it or leave it.  It is what it is.  I do not accept actions until I have sorted them out in my brain and in my heart.  Yes, I can strangle situations to death....but that is how I need to do it.  In as much as I want to respect the way others process situations; I expect the same respect in return.

5)  I don't have secrets.  I will tell you about my life.  I am certainly not perfect and a lot of things have happened in my 35 years.  I am not ashamed.  If my life and my stories can provide explanations, answers and comfort to another human being; then I am willing to share.  (Yes, at the risk of judgment.)  

6)  I am a "perseverate-or" and don't let go of things easily.  This likely drives others to the point of wanting to pull their hair out....but those of you who have stuck with me have certainly earned their place in heaven.

7)  I am a flake.  Really.  I mean...on some levels I am very organized and have excellent follow through. However, I VERY often say "yes" to plans and flake out.  My friends know this.  They know to expect it and love me, anyhow.  Thanks, friends.  Trust me....your patience is not lost on me!  

8)  I suffer terrible dreams...nightly.....I always have.  As far back as I can remember my dreams are vivid and macabre.  This is probably where I work out all the "perseverating" mentioned in #6.

9)  I am a procrastinator.  Sometimes I am top of things; mostly I am not.

10) I am loyal....very loyal.  In a relationship I am a serial monogamist.  Once you have my heart...you have me for good.  I expect the same in return.  Unfortunately this has rarely been the case.  I am currently challenging and revising my notions of fidelity.  No, I am not revising.  I am standing firm and not giving in to the zeitgeist.  I am old school.  You are either on board or you aren't.  If you aren't...there is the door.

11) I am a "Beatles" and not an "Elvis."  And what's more, I am a "George Harrison."  His songs are the  most pleasant to my ear.

12) The things I find most beautiful in other people: humility, honesty, wisdom, compassion, selflessness, grace.

13) The things I find most odious in other people: pompous arrogance, dishonesty, ignorance, self centeredness, judgment.

14) I have been (and might always be) attracted to pretty,  bad boys.  So, I am no longer doing the picking.  If I see a man and I am attracted to him I am immediately walking the other way.  If I like him, there HAS to be something wrong.

15) I love God, I love Jesus.  They love me back, it is clear.  I am certain I disappoint them on a daily, if not hourly basis, but I try.  I am humbled by God's grace and can't believe that salvation is so simple and yet so many people refuse to accept it.  (But this is about who I am...and I can not speak on behalf of others.)

16) I have made some wrong decisions and I do have a few regrets.  There, I said it.  (Or wrote it....same  thing.)

17) I compartamentalize.  I just realized this.  This is a big revelation for me.  I have a difficult time incorporating all the roles I play into one "grown, adult woman."  I would probably be less exhausted if I could just "be."

18) I have been tortured by self-doubt and insecurity for years.  NO MORE!  This is how smart I am, this is what I look like, this is how tall I am, this is what I weigh, this is what I have accomplished, this is what is left to be done.  (Sure, I can make adjustments to some of these things...but right now....who I am is perfectly imperfect and I know that because, in the words of my girl, Loretta Lynn, "God makes no mistakes.")

19) I am, by nature, pessimistic.  The glass is half-empty.  It is a daily struggle; but a daily victory if I can frame things from the opposite perspective.

20) I don't always consider others.  This is not because I don't want to.  As I said in #1 I am intent on the satisfaction of others.  Sometimes my brain is honestly so over-loaded with my over-processing, perseverating, procrastinating, etc....there isn't always space left for everyone.  For that....I apologize.

Dean: I've got a five year plan.

Rory: Five years?  Cool!  I've got about the next two and a half hours planned and then there's just darkness; and possibly some dragons.