Sunday, December 23, 2012

On the Eve of the Eve

Wrapping presents to Neil Young is probably not the best idea, at least not for me.  But I can't seem to make my finger click away from Neil tonight.

Funny thing...I forgot to log out of Pandora on a friend's iPad.  That friend had a party last night and didn't recognize the stations and so began deleting them.  I gave my friend a really hard time about it and indicated the grievous error could be remedied with a bottle of champagne.  I am not sure if my friend thought that was at all funny.  In fact, I am not sure my friend all...why seeing my Neil Young, John Prine, Tom Waits, John and June Cash, Merle Haggard, Grateful Dead, Patty Griffin, etc stations gone from the left side of the menu bar mattered so much.  I didn't realize how upset I would be either...or why for that matter.  

I grabbed a glass of wine, tucked my feet up under me and thought long and hard about why a mistake literally put an ache in my heart.  I didn't like the answer I came up with.

And so I sit here on the eve of the eve...a mess of upcycled, recycled, earth conscious gifts and trimmings in front of me like a jumbled mess.  I imagine tonight my heart might look like a similar mess of jumbled up recycled feelings I thought I had left out at the curb in the big, blue recycling bin.

The heart is funny....and so completely devoid of cognition.  It just feels, it doesn't remember, it doesn't judge, it doesn't condemn, it doesn't yell--at least mine doesn't, it forgives, it forgets.  I mean, given really is a lovely organ (or notion of an organ).  The heart is a child in the backyard doing for the sake of doing, feeling for the sake of feeling.  It is free from constraint.  It is is God.  

And yet, tonight night my heart does not feel Christ-like, which is a true embarrassment.  If ever my heart should be forgiving and is on the eve of the eve.  But it isn't...and I am not.  I still feel hurt and I still long for precious times gone by listening to Neil Young at 4 in the morning.  There...I said it.  And I just breathed...a big, huge breath...and a tear finally has permission to stream down my face.  

I had managed to escape the Christmas blues this year.  I think it is because I stayed 2000% busy until yesterday.  The quiet has been overwhelming and the stillness has been frightening.  Maybe the heaviness of the outside world has finally seeped in.  

God...I am so beautifully human, aren't I?   Thank you, God, for sharing with us your son.  Because of your grace I can sigh and cry and feel tattered and bruised.  I can hate myself for feeling this way and then hate myself for feeling guilty about feeling this way.  God, I am listening to The Beatles right now and several phrases seem relevant to you and me..."I am amazed at the way you are with me all the time.  I am amazed at the way I really need you.  You right me when I am wrong.  Help me sing my song."

Lord, on the eve of the eve....please help right me when I am wrong and help right me when I've been wronged.

Off to bed...shake these wicked blues off for a very special birthday party, tomorrow!

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