Living in the Why?

I am feeling a little punchy this morning.

I was wide awake at 5.30 am.  Summer vacation hours were apparently not enforced this morning.  I literally stayed in bed and let my mind roam to some pretty dark places for about two hours.  I got up, walked around and wondered out loud, "What can I do?"  I gave up and climbed back into my snuggly bed with my snuggly dog for another torturous hour.  

In fairness...I received some rather unsavory news yesterday.  My air conditioning unit needs to be euthanized.  It's just time.  Apparently the coil needs to go down with it.  Good news is the furnace is still alive and kicking.  I think I was restless with anticipation of their arrival and the imminent financing that would come with this purchase...though I am blessed to be able to set that worry off for a while...it is still a worry.  In addition to that, I am pretty sure my Gracie cat, my first official child, is facing her last days.  And on top of that, my little Mary Gertrude woke up throwing up blood.  Oh...and then there is the gnat infestation that red wine vinegar and honey only moderately mitigate.  

In terms of mindful, celebratory, positive living....I FAILED EPICALLY THIS MORNING.  Three hours wasted on why Burger broke up with Carrie on a Post It Note...(that is another post for another day)...three hours wasted on ONE WORD..."WHY?"  And I applied that word to about one thousand, million, katrillion kajillion different scenarios in my life.  "Why, why, why, why, but...ugh, WHY?"  Oh...and then it got better.  I added a word.  I added, "Not."  "WHY NOT?"  "Why the hell not?"  No wonder my little eyes wouldn't shut.  

(Side note....right now Cat Steven's is telling me, "Oh baby, baby it's a wild world and it's hard to get by just upon a smile....and I'll always remember you like a child, girl."  The synchronicity is not lost on me.)

Are you ready...I then transitioned into "How can I?" Then came, "How am I ever going to blah, blah, blah?"  Then I circled back to Post It Notes.

And then this arrived in my Face book Inbox from a friend I have not seen, nor heard from, in years.  To Fred Solis...you will never know that you got me out of my own head this morning and forced me down memory lane.

This video was made by Jason Russell my junior year...apparently towards the end of the year.  While I only have a "cameo" appearance...walking down the halls of McAllen Memorial High School, standing at my locker, seeing Lisa at the Apple in the journalism room (our safe place) with posters of Morissey and Jane's Addition (Geeves...YOU RULED), Ramsey and her bandanna, the after school smoking ritual (notice I am missing), and Denellie give a kiss to the camera.  And there I am...immortalized (okay...dramatic embellishment) SINGING of all things (I do not sing in public EVER) on the Internet.  

I looked at that little girl with the wavy hair, excessive jewelry, painted fingernails and Yaga tee shirt.  How sweet is she?  She's a bit of a camera hog and likes to be the center of attention...but her heart is good.  Most importantly...her heart is whole.  The world is ahead of her...NOT behind her.  She knows what is next and what is next and what is next and what follows after that.  She does not live in "Why" or "How" or "Why Not?"  She lived in "Yes" and "Let's do it and have fun" and "Let's get scootin' to college."  She never spent three hours in bed beating herself up over what needs to be done, what hasn't been done, why this has been done or when is it going to get done.  

Sweet girl, I sit here...twenty years your senior.  Can I have you back?  

Lovely woman, all you have to do is ask.  She's still in there, stop being afraid to let her re-surface.  Those were the happiest years of your life.  But they don't have to be the only ones.  When the questions get too big, watch this video and remember the joy of just living!

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11